The USB cable for my digital camera has gone missing, and my cell phone is repeatedly telling me that my network is unavailable so I can’t send any pictures. For now you will have to trust me when I say that the anti-Cubs beard is officially no more. It was extremely effective, which was good news for Cardinals fans, even if it didn’t make for very interesting reading/viewing this past week.

So… Now what?

Maybe it’s not too late to auction off my beard’s rights, eh? I’m 2 for 2 in effectiveness so far. Thoughts? Buyers?

UPDATE: My goofy grin is back again.

Yes, I finally found my camera’s USB cable. (My girlfriend did, actually.) As you can see, the ugly beard is gone, even if a few stray whiskers have survived. So long anti-Cubs beard. Thanks for the memories.

The Cubs lose. The beard is gone. I’m out the door, but a picture will be up later Saturday night.

I’m definitely starting to reconsider the whole Anti-Cubs beard thing.

First of all, I’m rooting against the Cubs, a team that hasn’t won a World Series in, like, 180 years or something. I’m actually trying to take credit for the fact that the Cubs aren’t going to win the world series this year.

And then there’s the fact that I’m supposed to see an old friend this weekend for only the second time in the last four years. If the Cubs DO win on Saturday, I’ll be meeting a bunch of his friends looking like this:

In the end, the real reason I’m starting to second guess my decision is that if the Cubs lose on Saturday, my playoff beard blogging will officially be done for the year. (I was just getting warmed up!) I knew my beard could keep the Cubs from winning. I never knew it could lead to them being swept in the first round.

The next game’s not until Saturday, so it looks like I’ll be a fu manchu man until at least then.

Go D-Backs!

I’d just like to say thank you to the Cubs for blowing a brilliant pitching performance by Carlos Zambrano. One down, two to go.

As you can see, the neck has been shaved in preparation for the first day of the playoffs.

A few points of clarification about this year’s rules:

Someone asked me, “Why are you shaving before they even play the games?” To answer this question, let’s start with last year’s beard. In 2006, I refused to shave until the Cardinals were either eliminated from the playoffs or won the World Series. The thinking was that growing the beard bestowed some sort of extra positive energy on the team. This season, I’m hoping to do the opposite: take away any positive energy that the Cubs might possess. So rather than waiting for the Cubs to lose before shaving, I’m shaving in hopes that it will cause the Cubs to lose.

Another question: “Aren’t you missing one step in the shaving diagrams?” Well… maybe. The first round of the playoffs is a best-of-five series. If they advance to the NLCS, I will have to add one more step to account for the extra game. I will likely lop off the danglers from the Fu Manchu and just keep the ’stache if that happens.

Last but not least, I’m happy to announce:

Last year, Glen Raucher won a one-year supply of beard grooming products for sending in a photo of his playoff beard. This season the contest will work a bit differently.

Rules: I’ll be giving out awards for my favorite answers to the question:

The answers can take whatever form you like, as long as they fit the theme of the site. They can be written, photographed, drawn or painted. It can be a link to a post on your own blog. You can tell me what you’re doing instead of growing a playoff beard this season. You can explain what team you’re pulling for instead of the Cardinals. You can bash the Cubs. You can write a haiku. You can send a St. Louis-themed political cartoon for all I care. Just impress me, amuse me or get my attention. Entries can either be left as comments anywhere on this blog or e-mailed to myplayoffbeard@gmail.com. I’ll pick the first winner this weekend. Pretty much anything you say or do will be considered. It’s really not hard to win. Seriously.

Prize: An autographed, handmade My Playoff Beard Wooly Willy trophy, suitable for hanging on your wall next to those fantasy baseball league trophies and community college certificates of completion you’ve earned through the years.

Not a picture of the actual trophy. It’ll be a lot cooler. For realz.

Okay, that’s all for now. Go D-Backs.

It took me a couple of days to sort out the rules of the anti-Cubs beard, but I think I’ve finally got it:

The Rules:

1) On the day of the first Cubs playoff game, I will shave the red section of my beard, as indicated in the picture below.

2) I will shave that same section of my beard each day until the Cubs advance or are eliminated.

3) When the Cubs lose a game, I will shave a new section of my beard, the blue section, in addition to the previously shaved red section. Thus, the closer the Cubs come to reaching elimination, the more of my beard will be shaved.

4) I will repeat this process after the third loss as well, shaving the red, blue and green sections.

5) If/when the Cubs advance to the next round, I will stop shaving all sections of the beard until the next round begins. I will then start over at step 1.

The stakes:
• If the Cubs do NOT win the World Series, I will shave my entire beard and go back to life as usual.

• If the Cubs do win the World Series, I will keep growing whatever pattern of hair is on my face at that time for one week. I will also buzz all the hair on my head using the shortest guard my trimmer has as a sign of humiliation.

Make sense? I hope so. I’ve got a few other little tricks up my sleeve to keep the Cubbies from succeeding this postseason, but I’ll save those for another time.

And finally, I would like to express my sincere thanks to Mr. Redbird, a.k.a. “J-Dizzle,” for inspiring the anti-Cubs beard. Señor Redbird was a bit peeved when I didn’t mention him by name as the inspiration for this year’s beard. Rightfully so. When the Cardinals missed the playoffs this season I was seriously considering giving up on myplayoffbeard.com. If it weren’t for you, Mr. Redbird, I might not be embarrassing myself with strange grooming rituals this October. Now click one of those google ads on the right because I need to make back the money I spent on hosting fees…

Sadly, the Cardinals won’t be playing postseason baseball this year. So what does one do with a playoff beard when his team isn’t in the playoffs? I considered several options, including selling the beard to the highest bidding fan from a team that was actually in the playoffs. (You can read about that idea here.) But then someone from Viva El Birdos had an even better idea: Why not turn my playoff beard into an anti-Cubs beard? The baby bears bought their way into the playoff this year. Why not knock them out with some good old fashioned superstition?

This year, instead of refusing to shave until my team is knocked out of the playoffs, I will be focusing my facial hair-energy on knocking the rival team out of contention. I’ve gone without shaving for more than a week already in preparation for this plan. Once postseason play begins, I’ll shave a little bit of the beard each day, jinxing the Cubbies and making life a little better for Redbird fans everywhere. The Cubs probably won’t need my help to lose this postseason—they certainly haven’t needed my help for the last century—but I need to do something with my face this fall and this seems like a good option.

I admit that I haven’t quite figured out the logistics of this plan yet, but I promise to post more details here when I get it figured out. Stay tuned.

There were a few weeks there when I decided to try and keep blogging in the offseason. That was dumb. This is a place for the playoff beard, and nothing more. I don’t know if I’ll be posting again for a while, but I’ve cleared out the basketball crap. See you in October.

To the 2.7 people who still drop in every once and a while to check this site out, know that more updates are coming soon. More to come just as soon as I finish celebrating victory in my fantasy football league.

Pujols and Rolen are Gold Glovers. Looks like there will be another Rawlings trophy on display at Westport Plaza, only this one won’t be at Ozzie’s. Congrats to both guys, although I’m shocked for the second time in two years that Yadier Molina doesn’t get one. It’s no secret that sometimes these things go to good offensive players, but I have a hard time believing that there has been a scarier catcher in the National League than Yadi. Oh well. Maybe Pujols will let him touch his on special occasions.